Hey Mama's... I don't really post a lot of personal stories on my blog... and I really don't know why. Sometimes I feel that maybe it should be just for recent work... but then I realized that my personal posts were some of the most liked. Sweet! I do enjoy sharing my personal thoughts, especially on motherhood, because it's all so crazy and we're all working through, slowly *but surely, being good mama's in our own ways.

I used to "write" more, when it was just Sienna and I at home together, When Ethan came on the scene... forget about it. He's always been the easier of the two, but when you go from 1 to 2... look the f out. Obviously these thoughts are my own from my own experience... but girlfriend, just prepare yourself, mmmk? It's one thing if your children will be more than 2.5 years apart, but when if they are close in age, like E+S (now age 2 +4), 24mos exactly, nearly TO.THE.DAY... just know, you're going into the war zone of life... but YOU WILL come out alive. I assure you.

I would always describe the first 2 years of each of my children's lives, like being on a wooden raft out in the ocean, and you're going through treacherous waters, the waves are crashing and the rain is falling hard, but I'm making progress so I'm satisfied, of course I had some spectacular days that were a little more calm... but overall it is just chaotic. And bravely I pressed on towards a brand new land...

For me, right around 2 years old, the rain lets up a little and through the waves you can see... (what seems to be) the warm, soft, golden shores of more calm times. And one day it hit me, this is all going to end, very shortly... this crazy, chaotic, exhausting world of babies that has been my life for years now. I saw that beautiful golden shoreline... and shockingly, it made me a little bit sad. I was just getting the hang of this rickety wooden raft.

For me, becoming a full time mother has been a huge shifting/growing/learning/realizing period in my life. Loooooooots of time to think....Most people's response to me being a full time/SAHM is "omg, I don't know how you do it"...for me, it's all I ever saw and really, all I ever wanted... (well, that and to be a famous talk show host). I should also share that I thought it was going to be much easier than it is! haha, I'm not gonna lie, motherhood is H-A-R-D... wtf? did you think it was going to be like this? haha I guess what it shakes out to is the rewards are my world, It's all I truly care about when I look at the "big picture" of my life and what really matters to me in the end.

So, there you have it, my random "mother" thoughts of the day.

xo,

April

Lately I've been feeling pretty tired and uncomfortable. This seems to be the hardest time for most in the whole child rearing process. Currently I'm 36 weeks pregnant {and have gained about 50lbs). In addition... I feel like I have a 25 lb attachment on the front of me while trying to wrangle a 50 lb toddler in my arms. When I hold Sienna, she tends to sit on top of the bump... which feels awesome on my back {not}.

I've been feeling very blessed... yet feel myself getting overwhelmed with the thought of managing a newborn and a two year old all day every day. People suggest following the same schedule everyday... but the thought of trying to stick to a rigid schedule freaks me out! People also suggest "getting help" but help cost $$ and it just doesn't make sense for us. Because of this I've been pretty occupied both mentally and physically. When Justin {my husband} asked me what my New Years resolution for 2015 was going to be... my response was "to survive" lol.

In all of this, I've been thinking a lot about the April K Photography brand and where I want to take it. Right now I feel like I've reached a cross roads in my photography and really, I can go any way I want... it's figuring out which way I'll be most interested in and most passionate about. I've been thinking... a lot. I'm the type of person to hibernate and direct my energy inward to try and listen to my own voice and instincts while I figure things out... something that seems like it should be easy, but it's hard for me to hear over all the sounds social media and the thoughts and voices of others.

So I've been pretty quiet.

Listening.

Slowly I'm hearing and learning and gathering information about each possibility I have before me and it's very exciting. The thought of getting back out to shoot, full time, ONLY AFTER I've spent some solid years with my babies, exclusively, free of the stress that running a business can bring, really excites me. For a while I thought I had lost my passion, but it turns out I am just in a different spot in my life that needs more attention right now, and I'm perfectly OK with that.... because I believe that it's not about "having it all" it's about managing what's going on in my life, right now and enjoying the chapter i'm on. In turn, my creative juices will flourish and when I'm ready to devote more energy, great things will happen.

In the meantime, my goal is to put out more personal projects... believing that they will make me learn to not be afraid of making mistakes and to push myself beyond my known limits. As my focus has temporarily shifted to being a mother, I'm in the perfect position to not be so dependent on my income which in turn allows me the creative freedom I need to grow. In addition, I'm looking forward to taking on only a very niche clientele to offer a more 'boutique" and individualized experience in both weddings and newborns.

Stay tuned for more of my adventures!

xo,

April