“Pregnancy is a process that invites you to surrender to the unseen force behind all life.”
nothing is more real than this moment of creation... watching your body shape shift throughout the process of bringing your little one into the world... It's equal parts bliss and agony
For my friends and loyal followers, me again, seems like I can never muster up the energy to write these days. I love writing, sometimes more than photography, but getting words to flow lately with S&E and pregnancy is like getting molasses out of a hose spicket (does that even make any sort of sense?)
I will start by saying, I know I'm blessed to be pregnant and I thank the universe/god/whatever listens to us when we talk to "ourselves" everyday I wake up, that I'm healthy and my family is healthy. I just recently tapped back into the book "The Secret" so I've been grateful beyond measure.
But this pregnancy has been really tough. Physically and mentally, so challenging for me.
Physically - I've almost lost my ability to walk around freely. I don't know if it's the weight of the baby, because it's my third and my ligaments and muscles are shot, because I'm on my feet, literally all day or what... but I walk around every day like peg leg. I seriously need a walker, and It freaks me out because I don't know how I'm going to deliver a baby if I can't even walk. My pubic bone feels like it's being torn apart, and this has been going on for months now. According to google it's called SPD (symphysis Pubis Diastasis) - this is when the hormone - "relaxin" causes the pelvis, particularly the pubic bone to loosen, then there is too much laxity there can be instability and pain. Well... let me tell you, this baby should come sliding right out with the amount of pain I'm in! I cried myself to sleep last night because I cannot take anymore of this painful torture. This has then been paired nicely with the braxton hicks all day and all night... which for those who don't know, it's like your already 20lb medicine ball stomach then turning into a hard rock... it takes my breath away, especially at night when I'm laying down, I cannot breath. Turning over in my sleep is like a 5 minute ordeal that is so painful (because of my hips)... I don't know why this pregnancy is so difficult but it's been a doozy from the start.
Mentally - I'm sort of over the mental anguish of it all, I've thrown up my white flag and surrendered to the universe. TAKE ME. But at first I faced a lot of guilt... ya know, the standard " i'm so sick I can't take my other 2 kids anywhere" sort of guilt. So for the past 9 months we've been watching a LOT of shows and movies. They don't seem to mind at all but, naturally, as a mom, you find something to feel guilty about. My friends & family make sure my head is on straight and re-assure me that it's only a season of life and the kids are just fine. I will say we've found a keen fondness for our art table (as you may have seen on instagram stories #obeysartplace) and S&E have learned to play so well together, without me entertaining them... so that's a win.
Motherhood though is such a mental game isn't it? A mental learning journey, first what your body goes through, gaining all the weight (which btw, I've gained almost 50lbs! now there's a juicy post for another day!) laboring said baby - which is a wild, fly by the seat of your pants, unknown in itself, then trying to breastfeed/keep baby alive for the first 3 months of "survival mode", with virtually no sleep if your baby's are anything like mine, which, should be interesting this time around. But then you get to experience this wildly delicious and raw love that only a mother can experience for her new baby... the cuddles, the skin 2 skin, the first times for everything... that intoxicating baby love is strong enough to keep us coming back for more!
I recently read a quote that made all the difference in my day... and hopefully yours too...
“If it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you”
37 weeks
18 more days to go!
This pregnancy has been pretty brutal, I'm not sure the exact reason why either. Is it because I'm keeping up with 2 other babies while growing this third one? Is it because it's my third and my body needs more help as it gets older? I'm not sure... but here are a few images to show how it's been going, at least in the first 4 months... (good thing it was a rainy spring! = lots of movies and TV watching and jammies all day going on here)
Needless to say, I've been squeezing in as much napping and laying as possible. Now that these hot months are here (although it's been a nice mild summer so far, I've been lucky) I've been feeling pretty dizzy, dehydrated and of course, exhausted. Most nights I'll go to bed around 8 - 8:30p if I can. I've tried "nesting" a few times lately and it's pretty weak compared to the first 2 times I was going through that. Mostly because I know the baby grows out of everything, including that super cute nursery you worked so hard at, so quickly that I can't even bother to put much thought into it.
As someone who's regularly pretty energetic, it's so hard to mentally be so beat and exhausted almost exclusively. It's such a mind (fuck). That 2nd tri-mester "honeymoon" period people talk about... not happening over here. When I need to clean up the house, like actually put things where they belong and not just stack them in a pile out of view, I have to sit almost every 10 min to rest. When I go up any sort of incline I'm truly out of breath and my mind immediately goes to the big fat lady with an oxygen tank trying to breathe and get around.
I know, I know, this too shall pass... I'm making life... it will be over before I know it. I've heard them all and say them to myself everyday... but it still doesn't make me feel better! haha.
Thankfully my mother in law takes the kids on Wednesdays and since I've stopped booking shoots for the remainder of the year, I'm taking it easy at least one day a week. God bless her!
xo,
April
