For my friends and loyal followers, me again, seems like I can never muster up the energy to write these days. I love writing, sometimes more than photography, but getting words to flow lately with S&E and pregnancy is like getting molasses out of a hose spicket (does that even make any sort of sense?)
I will start by saying, I know I'm blessed to be pregnant and I thank the universe/god/whatever listens to us when we talk to "ourselves" everyday I wake up, that I'm healthy and my family is healthy. I just recently tapped back into the book "The Secret" so I've been grateful beyond measure.
But this pregnancy has been really tough. Physically and mentally, so challenging for me.
Physically - I've almost lost my ability to walk around freely. I don't know if it's the weight of the baby, because it's my third and my ligaments and muscles are shot, because I'm on my feet, literally all day or what... but I walk around every day like peg leg. I seriously need a walker, and It freaks me out because I don't know how I'm going to deliver a baby if I can't even walk. My pubic bone feels like it's being torn apart, and this has been going on for months now. According to google it's called SPD (symphysis Pubis Diastasis) - this is when the hormone - "relaxin" causes the pelvis, particularly the pubic bone to loosen, then there is too much laxity there can be instability and pain. Well... let me tell you, this baby should come sliding right out with the amount of pain I'm in! I cried myself to sleep last night because I cannot take anymore of this painful torture. This has then been paired nicely with the braxton hicks all day and all night... which for those who don't know, it's like your already 20lb medicine ball stomach then turning into a hard rock... it takes my breath away, especially at night when I'm laying down, I cannot breath. Turning over in my sleep is like a 5 minute ordeal that is so painful (because of my hips)... I don't know why this pregnancy is so difficult but it's been a doozy from the start.
Mentally - I'm sort of over the mental anguish of it all, I've thrown up my white flag and surrendered to the universe. TAKE ME. But at first I faced a lot of guilt... ya know, the standard " i'm so sick I can't take my other 2 kids anywhere" sort of guilt. So for the past 9 months we've been watching a LOT of shows and movies. They don't seem to mind at all but, naturally, as a mom, you find something to feel guilty about. My friends & family make sure my head is on straight and re-assure me that it's only a season of life and the kids are just fine. I will say we've found a keen fondness for our art table (as you may have seen on instagram stories #obeysartplace) and S&E have learned to play so well together, without me entertaining them... so that's a win.
Motherhood though is such a mental game isn't it? A mental learning journey, first what your body goes through, gaining all the weight (which btw, I've gained almost 50lbs! now there's a juicy post for another day!) laboring said baby - which is a wild, fly by the seat of your pants, unknown in itself, then trying to breastfeed/keep baby alive for the first 3 months of "survival mode", with virtually no sleep if your baby's are anything like mine, which, should be interesting this time around. But then you get to experience this wildly delicious and raw love that only a mother can experience for her new baby... the cuddles, the skin 2 skin, the first times for everything... that intoxicating baby love is strong enough to keep us coming back for more!
I recently read a quote that made all the difference in my day... and hopefully yours too...
“If it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you”
37 weeks
18 more days to go!